


Pain Doesn't Cure Pain, Only Love Does

by Lexzandrihya



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: And love, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Booker gets a hug, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Whump, Multi, Nile is the only smart one, and kisses, but doesn't get it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:28:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28092429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexzandrihya/pseuds/Lexzandrihya
Summary: He hurt. Physically. Which was odd, considering his immortal healing. Nicolo had stuck a knife into his kidney. And Yusuf had gutted him while saying that, that pain was nothing on the hours upon hours of torture that they had gone through. Nicolo had then stepped behind him and snapped his neck.When he had woken, his hands were bound behind his back and his legs tied to the fence surrounding the safehouse. The knife that Nicolo had buried in him was still there. He felt his body trying to heal around the blade but it couldn’t.He supposed this was barely a fraction of the pain that they felt.He wanted to scream for help, but he knew that he deserved this, and whatever else they saw fit as punishment.Nile came to him in the morning, horrified. She untied him and helped him up while looking at him with a pity that he couldn’t stand.He couldn’t stand it. He hated it. He didn't want her pity.OrJoe and Nicky hurt Booker. He runs away and they bring him back. This their story
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nile Freeman, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 73





	Pain Doesn't Cure Pain, Only Love Does

He hurt. Physically. Which was odd, considering his immortal healing. Nicolo had stuck a knife into his kidney. And Yusuf had gutted him while saying that, that pain was nothing on the hours upon hours of torture that they had gone through. Nicolo had then stepped behind him and snapped his neck. 

When he had woken, his hands were bound behind his back and his legs tied to the fence surrounding the safehouse. The knife that Nicolo had buried in him was still there. He felt his body trying to heal around the blade but it couldn’t. 

He supposed this was barely a fraction of the pain that they felt.

He wanted to scream for help, but he knew that he deserved this, and whatever else they saw fit as punishment. 

Nile came to him in the morning, horrified. She untied him and helped him up while looking at him with a pity that he couldn’t stand. 

He couldn’t stand it. He hated it. He didn't want her pity. 

He walked in silence, slightly behind her. Pity emitted from her entire being. Maybe she knew no other way to react to his crimes, or maybe her pity was because she was young and believed that he deserved it. 

He wanted to tell her that he was undeserving of it, them, but he kept his trap shut. 

The house stood uninviting and cold. At least to him. Nile stormed in. Yelling about keeping anger in check and not taking it out on him without even knowing the full story. 

Yusuf and Nicolo nodded. But he saw through the facade. He saw a promise of retribution in their eyes. 

That look was often aimed at those who dared hurt their significant other, today it was aimed at him for the same reason. 

I didn’t mean to. He wanted to say. I’m sorry. Forgive me. 

“You will pay, Sebastien,” Yusuf promised him as he sidestepped the younger man to grab a plate. “The only reason you’re still here is that Andy is mortal, and Nile, for all her innocence. But you will pay. That’s my promise, my vow.” 

Nicolo was a little more subtle. He woke one morning to the feeling of a gentle touch. Hand in his hair. Fingers gently massaging his scalp. 

“You were our friend. One of us. And now.” He scoffed, “You are nothing but a traitor. You hurt Joe. And for that, you will hurt.” All through his speech, his hand never stopped its ministrations. 

-lex-

Nile was a blessing in the next few months. After a few more mornings of finding him bound to various places, she stuck herself to him, never leaving his side, even going as far as to sleep beside him. He felt undeserving of her kindness, and the feeling of safety she provided. Sometimes, in moments of delusion, he wondered if that's what it felt like to be loved. He didn't fool himself into believing that she loved him. 

He loved her though. Not romantically, but in a way that a brother loves his sister. 

In those few, short months that she had been with them, she had cared for him in a way that no one had. He would miss here when they forced him to leave. 

Yusuf and Nicolo were slowly convincing Andromache. Nile would soon be outvoted. 

Nile’s constant presence meant that they couldn’t hurt him the way they wanted too, but they still managed to. 

They spoke over him, of him as though he wasn't there. Cursed him and verbally thrashed him. He never let them know how much their words hurt him, but every night he sobbed himself to sleep, silently, once Nile slept.

He wondered if Nile had joined a few months prior, and showered him with care the way she had, would he have had his desperation persuade him into listening and trusting Copley? 

He wished he could know. He wished the answer was no. And on a certain level, he knew that he wouldn't have. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to blame them for their ignorance of his suffering. He knew that he should have been stronger, he shouldn't have let his despondency allow him to believe what was a blatant lie. 

-lex-

He had persuaded Nile to go out with Andromache, telling, promising her that he would stay out of Yusuf and Nicolo’s way. And so he did and succeeded. 

He fished out a piece of paper and a pen from his bag and began writing, pouring his feelings onto the piece of paper. He formatted it as a letter. A letter to the two pieces of his heart. 

His natural handwriting was barely legible, but he schooled himself to write slowly. He needed them to be able to read this.

He folded the letter in half. And wrote two more. One was to Andromache; filled with apologies and a promise to visit her grave. The letter to Nile was of his thanks. Slowly making his way to the room he had been thrown into, he packed his bag at a snail’s pace, hoping, wishing, wanting for someone to come and stop him. But no one did. 

-lex-

Nile was worried the entire time she was away from Sebastien. 

“Nile, they're angry, and that is their right. You can't blame them for that.”

“Andy, he cries himself to sleep, every night. Once he thinks I’m asleep. He’s in pain Andy. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I think he’s depressed.”

“Do you really believe in all that, Nile? I mean…” Andromache trailed off and made a vague gesture.

“Joe and Nicky are just hurting him more. He doesn’t need more pain. He needs to know that he matters to you, that he isn’t a burden.”

“Burden?”

“He’s the only one of us who didn't choose to fight. I doubt he enjoys it and because of that he’s the weakest fighter among you, yes?” Andromache replied with an affirmative nod. “So, of course, he believes that he’s a liability.”

“He’s never said-”

“Of course he won't Andy. He probably thinks that if he doesn’t fight he can't be a part of the team.”

Andromache sighed. She gazed out into the country-side as she thought about what Nile was saying. She did have a point. 

“I’ll talk to them once we get back.” 

“Thanks, Andy.”

-lex- 

“We’re back!” 

“How was your trip?”

“Good. Where’s Booker?”

“You asked us to stay out of his way, Nile and we did. I don't know where he is. Probably in his room.”

Nile sighed audibly, before moving to his room. 

Empty. 

“What?” She whispered. 

The desk in the room held some envelopes. 

One to her, one to Andromache and one to Yusuf and Nicolo. 

Grabbing the envelopes, hoping they were not what she thought they were, she ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

“He isn’t there.” Her voice broke. “Nor are his things. These were on the desk.” 

He handed the letters to them and read her own. 

A single tear rolled down her face as the letter concluded.

“My letter has only one line, ‘I’m sorry, forgive me. I’ll bring flowers.’ What did he say to you, Nile?”

She looked at Andromache with an expression she couldn’t recognise on the younger woman. 

“Nile, 

You dear, sweet girl. What would I have done without you? 

Your kind heart is truly magnificent. Only you could show me the kindness that you have even after my crimes to you. 

I am sorry that your first days as an immortal were so traumatic. I didn't mean for it to happen. 

You have shown me what it feels like to be cared for. I don't know why you have decided that I am a worthy candidate for your mercy, but you have and I have no words to thank you for it. 

You have a beautiful soul, don't let the pain of our lives mar that. 

Quynh is a problem that you will face. She will haunt your dreams till you meet. The others don't know this and don't tell them; it will only cause them grief. I wish that I could help you, but the only advice I can give you is that alcohol helps. 

Andy loves Baklava, so do me a favour, the next time Nicky brings Baklava, place a bet saying that Andy will be able to name the ingredients and the region it’s from. You’ll win quite a bit of money; Andy is always able too. 

Nicky and Joe. They will be your brothers in a way that they were never mine. They already are. It’s impossible not to love you. Trust them with your fears and worries. With everything. They will always be there for you. 

I’m sorry. Thank you. 

Don't look for me.

Sebastien”

Silence reigned for minutes before Yusuf picked up the letter and began reading. 

“Yusuf, Nicolo, 

Please forgive me. Believe me when I say that this was not something I wanted. I never meant for it to happen. Not that way. It was naivety, stupidity. Copley swore to me that you would not be touched. One mission as proof and then just me. They would experiment on me and give me a way out of this life, existence.”

Nicolo and Yusuf’s eyes met in a panicked frenzy. They had assumed the worst of Sebastien. 

Looking back at the piece of paper he held, Yusuf continued, his voice shaking.

“I know that you have each other, that you will only ever want each other, but I long for you. For your touch and your love. To learn your taste and for you to learn mine. To be taught your every want and need. To give you pleasure in all ways.

You will never want me, I know that. But I will. Till the end of time.” 

Yusuf paused. Letting the weight of the words sink in. Tears were prickling at the back of his eyes. Nicolo was no better. Seeing that the two men were breaking down, Andromache took the letter and continued. 

“I’m leaving. Probably will be gone by the time to read this. 

You won't look for me, but let me say this so that I can have some pretence of your love. Don't look for me, please. This is what I want. I cannot live in Nile’s shadow, surrounded by your hatred any longer. 

I do not mean to cause you any more pain than I already have when I say this, but know that I mean this with all my heart; I love you. 

Sebastien”

-lex- 

He was in Paris. His go-to whenever he was left alone. On the off chance that they were going to look for him.

The dreams were less terrible when he was with them. Alone, he drowned in alcohol. 

That’s how they found him. 

A glass of whiskey in his hand, he answered the door. 

Yusuf and Nicolo forced themselves into the minuscule apartment.

“You really thought that you could get off that easy? That you could write a damn letter and say you were sorry, leave and you’d be forgiven?” Yusuf growled as he stalked towards the Frenchman. 

Sebastien tried to hide his fear. He told himself that Yusuf’s anger was justified, but terror filled him completely. 

He didn't realise that Yusuf’s arms were wrapped around him. That Nicolo was looking at him, not with anger, but with regret for his actions. 

“Please don't hurt me. Don’t say that you hate me, that I’m a bastard. I know I deserve it but please don't. Just leave me alone. I’ve survived so long without you, I’ll live the rest of my life. Please don't take me back to punish me. I’m sorry. Please let me be.”

“I’m sorry,” Yusuf whispered into his hair, ear, cheek. He held the man tight, trying to ignore the words tumbling out of his mouth, the sheer panic in his eyes. Knowing that it was his fault. 

Nicolo couldn’t stand the sight of the trembling man, pleading for mercy any longer. He too joined the embrace and whispered sweet nothings into Sebastien’s ears. 

Finally, his shaking, sobbing, begging tired him out and he began to quieten down. He was still quivering, but he was falling into a fitful sleep.

-lex-

Sebastien woke to the feeling of being held.

He opened his eyes to see the ocean of emotion in Nicolo’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” the former crusader murmured. “I should have asked. I shouldn't have been so ready to believe, to blame. Forgive me, Sebastien. Forgive me, Libretto.”

Libretto. He couldn’t remember the last time Nicolo had called him that. Of all the things the man had said, the word that his mind focused on was the most inconsequential of all. 

“You haven’t called me that in ages.” 

He stared at a spot on the wall behind the man, before continuing. “You read my letter?”

Nicolo nodded before looking away in shame. 

“I assaulted you. In your bed. I threatened you in a place you should feel safe. I hid the truth from you because I was scared of your rejection.” He met Sebastien’s eyes. “Please forgive me. I know I have no right to ask it of you. But please forgive me.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me.” Yusuf too requested.

Sebastien knew that he had no right to forgive the man, but he could see the desperation for forgiveness in both their eyes. “Forgiven.” He whispered. 

He wanted to ask for their forgiveness but knew that he was not worthy of it. And he was right, for then, Yusuf breathed, hugging him from the back. “You aren’t forgiven, however, your punishment is to be with us. Love us the way you long to and let us love you the way we want too.” Sebastien’s breath hitched as realised what Yusuf was saying. “Because I do, Sebastien, I love you.”

“As do I. I love you too.”

-Lex-

It took time for Sebastien to believe it. And even longer for him to say it to their faces. 

Yes, he had told them in his letter, but he was beside himself with fear that if he told them, this game that they were playing with him would stop. 

They would withdraw their affections and leave him wanting something he knew that he could never have. 

He was many things, but he wasn't delusional. He knew that there was no way that Yusuf and Nicolo could love him, for their love was complete. 

And even if this wasn't a vicious game that they were playing, he would never be able to squeeze into the non-existent place between or beside them. Perhaps, they would try, try to carve out a space, but they would always fall short. 

Taking a leap of faith, one day, he did utter the words that the two men longed to hear. 

And that day, Sebastien was held in a way that he’d never been before. 

It finally seemed as though things were getting better. 

-lex- 

They weren’t. 

Yusuf and Nicolo hurt him. They beat him, cursed him, while he knew that it was deserved, he couldn't help but fear their touches. 

They saw this and tried to reassure him. 

Sebastien wanted to believe them and he tried to. 

But the feeling of knives piercing his skin and words cutting even deeper, would not leave his mind. His paranoia was worrying, but understandable. 

Nile barely restrained herself from telling the millennium-old men I told you so. Instead, she plastered herself to the Frenchman, well whenever he was away from Yusuf and Nicolo.

He told her things that he’d never told anyone before. 

The pain of his wife’s death and his reaction.  
(A three-day bender; taking all the drugs and alcohol he could get his hands on)

His oldest’s execution.  
(He’d been a part of a rebellion against Napoleon and his war)

His second son’s wife and son.  
(Who had been widowed and left fatherless because patriots had murdered the man, boy, he was not yet twenty. The patriots had believed that he had followed in his brother’s footsteps.)

How his youngest suffered from cancer.  
(Fifteen years. And knew of his father’s gift, curse, for the last five.)

Nile became his confidant. Jealousy brewed in Yusuf and Nicolo. 

And one day, they could hold back no more. 

“Why do you tell her these things?” Yusuf huffed with envy tinged anger. “We are your lovers. These are things you should tell us, not her.”

Sebastien didn't dare reply. All too recently, he had suffered Yusuf’s rage and feared to face it once more. 

“ANSWER ME!” He growled. Frustration oozing from his every pore. 

Sebastien sank further into himself. He had no answer for him that Yusuf would like. The only thing he could think of saying was that he felt safe with Nile, something that he could never feel with them. 

He saw an arm through the corner of his eye and knew that he was about to be struck. 

His breaths couldn't come. His vision blurred. He could hear nothing, feel nothing. Wanting to cry out, he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. 

Seeing Sebastien break down so heavily, drained all the frustration from Yusuf.

Nicolo crouched beside Sebastien and tried gently shaking his shoulders. Whispering sweet endearments into his ears, he hoped that he could hear them. When Yusuf squatted beside Sebastien, the terror in his eyes grew tenfold. 

His mind could not get the picture of Yusuf’s wrath filled eyes out of his head.

He didn't understand the safety that Nile provided. He wanted it but faltered asking. He loved Yusuf and Nicolo, that much he knew, but the feeling of safety that he so craved was not found among them. 

Yusuf seemed to understand his unasked plea, for he left the room only to return with Nile. Nile, who understood what was going on as soon as she saw him. 

“He’s having a panic attack.” The informed them before manoeuvring herself so that Sebastien sat between her legs and his back leaned on her front. 

“Seb, can you breathe with me?” She asked, speaking slowly and clearly. She knew it would be better if she were to speak in French, but she didn't want to confuse him with her horrendous language skills. 

“One in. Two hold. Three out. Again. One in. Two hold. Three out.” She repeated it a few times more, till Sebastien was not heaving for breath anymore. He collapsed into her chest, trying to hide his shame, embarrassment and fear. He was unsuccessful; his body language told the others all they needed to know. 

Yusuf knew that they needed to earn his trust once more, that is if they ever had it in the first place, before they could ask him to trust them with his pain. 

But he hurt knowing that the reason that the three of them were in the situation that they were in was because of his and Nicolo’s anger. 

He knew that it would take time, and time was all they had, but he was impatient. 

Nicolo was in a cycle of guilt and grief. He’d almost lost Yusuf in that lab, and now he was losing Sebastien right before his eyes. 

He was still there, yes, but he’d already tried to run once. There was no guarantee that he would not try again. 

-lex- 

They tried. They all did. 

Slowly, saying ‘I love you’ to the two pieces of his heart was not as much as a leap of faith as it had been. 

His reliance on Nile continued to a certain extent, but now, he trusted Yusuf and Nicolo with his tidbits of pain and hurt. 

There were days still when he could not bring himself to part from Nile’s side, and Yusuf and Nicolo learnt that it was not because he didn't trust them, rather it was because they would not understand his distress to the extent Nile would. 

The pain of losing her family was still fresh for Nile, and the dreams of Quynh were as unrelenting for her as they were for him. 

The centuries had numbed Yusuf and Nicolo’s hurt. And the pair knew that they would not understand to the extent Nile did. 

Yusuf made effort to not let his frustration get the better of him. He was determined to ensure that Sebastien would never panic the way he had for any reason. 

-lex- 

They focused on building relationships with Sebastien individually. They never wanted him to feel as though it was them and him. They were three individuals, with individual and unique relationships with each other. 

Football and bets on Andromache’s taste buds were a small part of this. 

They began playing football. Sebastien, Nicolo and Nile on one team and Andromache and Yusuf on the other.

More often than not, the matches would become a mixed martial arts competition, ending with Yusuf and Andromache dancing victoriously on one end of the field and the other three laying on the grass panting for breath. 

Those were the moments Yusuf and Nicolo lived for. Those were the moments that Sebastien was the most open, the happiest. 

-lex-

Sebastien’s aversion to touch reduced with time.

He was able to accept affectionate caresses. 

He believed the sweet words that either one of his lovers uttered whenever he passed by. 

-lex-

Some months after he left and was returned, they all had a talk. 

“Sebastien, answer me honestly, do you really want to fight? Or are you happier being behind the scenes?” 

Sebastien was silent for a few minutes before replying, haltingly. “No, I don't want to fight.” His eyes darted to Yusuf and Nicolo before he continued. “I like the logistics part of it and I don't mind finding missions for you. If you’ll allow me to.” He opened his mouth, wanting to add, ‘I’ll understand if you don't want me too,’ But thought better of it when Nile’s eyes lit up with pride. 

Pride that he could say that, even though he feared being left behind.

-lex-

They learnt that Sebastien had different needs in a relationship.

For him, an act of love, affection was being allowed to do things for them. 

Pleasure especially. Not only carnal but also gestures of love. 

He loved seeing them smile. 

Many times before they curled up together, he would massage one or both of them. 

Often he’d make desserts for them. Yusuf loved Jalebi, while Nicolo craved homemade chocolates on a regular basis. He’d spend hours making these for them. 

-lex-

They began to notice his selflessness. How he’d do anything for them, things no one asked him to do. 

He hated the cold, yet never protested when they set the air-conditioner at the lowest temperature. 

In winter, he never asked to sleep next to the fireplace, knowing that Yusuf liked the feeling of warmth against the cold. 

Computers and technology were a confusion to him. He only managed to figure out most of what he knew due to trial and error. But he did so without complaint, knowing that at least one of them should have some knowledge of the modern times and none of the others had shown interest. 

-lex- 

It took them nearly a decade for Sebastien’s depression to recede. For him to be happy and smiling most of the time. 

His dark days, while still there, were few and far between. 

He was content. He learnt their taste and they learnt his. He learnt how to please them and accept when they wanted to please him. 

Finally, he could say that everything was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a 2000 ish word fic. But because of my inability to end things, you get this.  
> Hope you enjoyed it.  
> If you have any tips on how to improve lemme know. 
> 
> Also, if you have any advice on how to write fluff, please, please, please tell me. For some reason I can't write it. 
> 
> I'm on Tumblr as Lexzandrihya


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